The good folks over at MDN captured Amazon’s most recent press release and it’s about as self-congratulatory as can be.
It was a record holiday shopping season for Amazon Devices, with millions more devices purchased worldwide this year than last year’s holiday season.
Translation: We’re still silent on exactly how many of anything we sell because, 1) competition, or 2) embarrassment.
Alexa helped mix tens of thousands of cocktails this holiday season with Martini and Manhattan being the most requested drinks.
Translation: Alexa knows more about Amazon customers than customers know themselves.
Music listening time on Alexa was 3x as much this holiday season compared to last holiday season.
Translation: We removed ‘Stop playing music, Alexa’ from Alexa’s vocabulary.
This year, 4x more music from Amazon Music was streamed over Alexa compared to last holiday season.
Translation: Yeah, we’re just making stuff up.
If you collected all of the copies of Walter Isaacson’s, Leonardo Da Vinci that Amazon sold over the holidays, they would weigh the equivalent of 25,417 gallons of paint – enough paint to cover over Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling 1,592 and a half times.
Translation: What interns in the marketing department can come up with working overtime.
This holiday season, Whole Foods Market sold over 500,000 pounds of sweet treats at the cookie bars featured in stores across the U.S. – that’s enough to feed Santa more than 6 million cookies throughout his trip around the world on Christmas Eve.
Translation: Yes, we know Santa isn’t real, so we guessed at how many cookies an old dude with a weight problem might eat. Oh, and you know we own Whole Foods now, right?
The most purchased movie over the holidays was Elf.
Translation: Amazon customers didn’t know it was on TV for free.
In the U.S., more than 6,000 trailers and 32 Amazon Air planes helped get holiday orders to customers this season.
Translation: Because you don’t believe in Santa, Ron, we’re not sending your recent Prime order until 2018.
It still hasn’t shipped.